Labor Day
Labor Day generally means taking a well-deserved day off from work, to rest and spend time with family and friends. This Labor Day is a little different for me, I don't have to go back to work tomorrow. (Tomorrow was my original return date from maternity leave- before Lucy was a week late and before my emergency c-section entitled me to two extra weeks of disability.) Instead, I'm celebrating a more permanent break from work. After many, many discussions with Brian and lots and lots of soul-searching, I decided to leave my job to stay at home full time with Lucy, instead of returning back to work in a few weeks. There. I said it out loud. *Whew*
For a while I thought that if I ever had a child, I would want to stay home with him or her, under ideal circumstances. But when this situation actually presented itself, it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. We talked about it - and talked about it, and talked about it. We went over the pros and cons, what we would be giving up and what we would be gaining, and it consumed my mind more and more as the end of my maternity leave has been creeping up. Brian wanted to leave the decision up to me, but I wanted to make sure we would be doing the right thing for all of us, and I didn't want him to feel any added pressure regarding his work or when it came to money under any circumstances. The decision was a no-brainer for my heart (no pun intended), but it was more difficult for my head. My head is practical and pragmatic, and my head worries.
The idea of us living on just one income worries me. It just does. I know several families where one parent stays at home, so I know it can be done, but it's still scary, especially in times like these. I also have to be honest and admit that I'm not only apprehensive about having just one income, I'm also apprehensive that I will no longer have "my own" income. I'm not accustomed to depending on anyone else financially, so the thought of being in that position does make me uncomfortable. Put yourself in my shoes- I've been working and supporting myself for a long time. I'm used to earning (and spending) my own money. It took many years, but I had finally gotten to a point where I was making enough money to not have to worry on a constant basis about running out of it. I was no longer living paycheck to paycheck and I am no longer in debt. I worked hard to get to that point, and when I finally got there it was incredibly freeing. I wanted something, I was able to buy it (within reason, of course) But don't misunderstand me- I'm not a compulsive spender and this isn't simply about shopping. For me, having my own money, and enough of it, meant a sense of independence. So I think I'm allowed to feel a little uneasy about not having my own money all of a sudden (I'm pretty sure I'll freak out about it more as I watch my own personal bank account dwindle to nothing). That said, I know it will be an adjustment, but I have to (and do) have faith that it will be fine.
Money, while being a big reason for going back to work, was simply not a big enough reason when I compared it to the countless reasons for staying at home. For starters, Lucy is still so little. I pictured us dropping her little self off at daycare, where she would be all day, every day, and it broke my heart. Then I pictured myself either stuck in traffic or sitting at my desk for 10 hours, when I could have been with her, and that made me not just sad, but mad...and confused. It didn't make any sense. Suddenly, the money I would be making became less important. Not to mention, daycare would have set us back the equivalent of roughly half my salary anyway. That, combined with the cost of gas and other job-related expenses would take up a large portion of my salary. And working for half my salary and not being with her just did not sound worth it at all. And as great of a place as our would-be daycare is, Brian and I both also would prefer to have her home with one of us, for a variety of reasons.
When it comes down to it, the biggest reason I want to be at home with Lucy is simple. She's my baby! I don't think there's any job more important than being Lucy's mom. I'm not sure that I can adequately describe what this means to me or how it makes me feel, but I do feel it's a big responsibility, as well as a enormous privilege. I take this role very seriously and I want to be worthy of the title. I also have some other selfish reasons for wanting to be at home with her. I feel like she's already growing so fast. We'll never be able to get back this time with her, and I don't want to miss any of it. I love being with her (even when the Crazy Lady makes an appearance), and I'm sorry, but I don't want to give that up. I want to be the one who gets to be with her everyday, who gets to go places with her, do crafts with her, and teach her things. I want to watch her learn ad grow and experience life. I want to be there- period.
That doesn't mean that leaving my job isn't bittersweet. I'm lucky to have been with the same company for over nine years. It's definitely the best job I've ever had and I met some of my best friends in the world while working there. (You read this blog, you know who you are!) Heck, my job even led me, in a convoluted way, to Brian and my life as I now know it! So leaving it does make me a little sad and it's a little scary, but I do feel that this is the right thing for us right now, and (I think, hope, pray) I'm ready for this new challenge. I just hope I can do a good job, do right by Lucy, and make us all proud. Wish us luck!
I'll end my post of rambling thoughts by sharing one of my favorite photos, one that I think sums up what led me to making this decision.
I love moments like this. When Lucy has just fallen asleep in my arms, and everything is still, and quiet, and calm. I instantly forget about how frazzled I was earlier, or tired I may be, or how I need to put her down because of the list of the things I'd like to do while she's asleep. I'm able to just sit and appreciate the moment, looking down at her sweet face and feel warm and cozy. This is what makes my concerns and worries fade into the background. This is, in part, what helped me make my decision. This is what makes everything worthwhile. This is what it's all about. This is good stuff.
So, Happy Labor Day! If you have to go back to work tomorrow, I hope your work environment is as awesome as mine. :)
For a while I thought that if I ever had a child, I would want to stay home with him or her, under ideal circumstances. But when this situation actually presented itself, it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. We talked about it - and talked about it, and talked about it. We went over the pros and cons, what we would be giving up and what we would be gaining, and it consumed my mind more and more as the end of my maternity leave has been creeping up. Brian wanted to leave the decision up to me, but I wanted to make sure we would be doing the right thing for all of us, and I didn't want him to feel any added pressure regarding his work or when it came to money under any circumstances. The decision was a no-brainer for my heart (no pun intended), but it was more difficult for my head. My head is practical and pragmatic, and my head worries.The idea of us living on just one income worries me. It just does. I know several families where one parent stays at home, so I know it can be done, but it's still scary, especially in times like these. I also have to be honest and admit that I'm not only apprehensive about having just one income, I'm also apprehensive that I will no longer have "my own" income. I'm not accustomed to depending on anyone else financially, so the thought of being in that position does make me uncomfortable. Put yourself in my shoes- I've been working and supporting myself for a long time. I'm used to earning (and spending) my own money. It took many years, but I had finally gotten to a point where I was making enough money to not have to worry on a constant basis about running out of it. I was no longer living paycheck to paycheck and I am no longer in debt. I worked hard to get to that point, and when I finally got there it was incredibly freeing. I wanted something, I was able to buy it (within reason, of course) But don't misunderstand me- I'm not a compulsive spender and this isn't simply about shopping. For me, having my own money, and enough of it, meant a sense of independence. So I think I'm allowed to feel a little uneasy about not having my own money all of a sudden (I'm pretty sure I'll freak out about it more as I watch my own personal bank account dwindle to nothing). That said, I know it will be an adjustment, but I have to (and do) have faith that it will be fine.
Money, while being a big reason for going back to work, was simply not a big enough reason when I compared it to the countless reasons for staying at home. For starters, Lucy is still so little. I pictured us dropping her little self off at daycare, where she would be all day, every day, and it broke my heart. Then I pictured myself either stuck in traffic or sitting at my desk for 10 hours, when I could have been with her, and that made me not just sad, but mad...and confused. It didn't make any sense. Suddenly, the money I would be making became less important. Not to mention, daycare would have set us back the equivalent of roughly half my salary anyway. That, combined with the cost of gas and other job-related expenses would take up a large portion of my salary. And working for half my salary and not being with her just did not sound worth it at all. And as great of a place as our would-be daycare is, Brian and I both also would prefer to have her home with one of us, for a variety of reasons.
When it comes down to it, the biggest reason I want to be at home with Lucy is simple. She's my baby! I don't think there's any job more important than being Lucy's mom. I'm not sure that I can adequately describe what this means to me or how it makes me feel, but I do feel it's a big responsibility, as well as a enormous privilege. I take this role very seriously and I want to be worthy of the title. I also have some other selfish reasons for wanting to be at home with her. I feel like she's already growing so fast. We'll never be able to get back this time with her, and I don't want to miss any of it. I love being with her (even when the Crazy Lady makes an appearance), and I'm sorry, but I don't want to give that up. I want to be the one who gets to be with her everyday, who gets to go places with her, do crafts with her, and teach her things. I want to watch her learn ad grow and experience life. I want to be there- period.
That doesn't mean that leaving my job isn't bittersweet. I'm lucky to have been with the same company for over nine years. It's definitely the best job I've ever had and I met some of my best friends in the world while working there. (You read this blog, you know who you are!) Heck, my job even led me, in a convoluted way, to Brian and my life as I now know it! So leaving it does make me a little sad and it's a little scary, but I do feel that this is the right thing for us right now, and (I think, hope, pray) I'm ready for this new challenge. I just hope I can do a good job, do right by Lucy, and make us all proud. Wish us luck!I'll end my post of rambling thoughts by sharing one of my favorite photos, one that I think sums up what led me to making this decision.
I love moments like this. When Lucy has just fallen asleep in my arms, and everything is still, and quiet, and calm. I instantly forget about how frazzled I was earlier, or tired I may be, or how I need to put her down because of the list of the things I'd like to do while she's asleep. I'm able to just sit and appreciate the moment, looking down at her sweet face and feel warm and cozy. This is what makes my concerns and worries fade into the background. This is, in part, what helped me make my decision. This is what makes everything worthwhile. This is what it's all about. This is good stuff.So, Happy Labor Day! If you have to go back to work tomorrow, I hope your work environment is as awesome as mine. :)
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