On breastfeeding

This post has been around ten months in the making.  This topic is such a fragile one that I didn't want to jinx myself when things were going well (I am superstitious, you see), but on the flip side, I didn't feel like writing about it when they weren't.  So why am I sharing about it now?  Well, as I alluded to in my last post and can now confirm- we are done with breastfeeding.  We had a good run- we made it ten months.  Which, all things considered, is big - no, HUGE - accomplishment!

I don't even know where to begin in recounting my breastfeeding experience, but it's important for me to do so, so here goes.  From the beginning, I always intended to breastfeed.  There wasn't even a question.  I mean, if it were up to me.  I know very well that not all moms are able to nurse.  But, it was my intention from the beginning, if I had anything to do with it.

Shortly after Lucy was born, as battered and out-of-it as I was trying to recover from my unplanned, last-minute c-section, I tried to nurse.  The good news was that Lucy latched on like a pro right away.  The bad news was that she was really hungry, and the colostrum wasn't gonna cut it.  She wanted milk- and lots of it!  Unfortunately, little did we know it would be a while (as in weeks) before my milk would come in.   Without getting an adequate amount to drink, poor Lucy quickly became really unhappy, and she started to lose weight.  I was frustrated and felt like a failure.  Like, on Day 2- which was just so defeating as a new mom.  It was suggested that we bottle-feed her formula (Nutramigen) while I tried to pump in order to help my milk to come in.  I was bummed, but we did it, and Lucy was much happier once she had more to drink.  She also began to put some weight back on, which was the most important thing.  I continued to try to nurse every few hours, which was very frustrating (not to mention, painful), but nothing much came of it.  I also started to pump every few hours- nothing much came of that, either.  Turns out that I became anemic after the surgery.  I'm not sure how much that played a role with the (lack of) milk situation, but I have a feeling it played a role.  My body was just beat down.

We continued to bottle feed her formula once we got home from the hospital.  I would say we supplemented her with the formula, but in reality she had mostly formula, supplemented by piddly amounts of breast milk.  I began to take Goat's Rue and More Milk Plus- two herbal supplements that were recommended by the lactation consultant. (I continued to take these a few times a day, every day, for ten months.)  In addition, I diligently pumped around the clock in an effort to stimulate my production.  It was a painful and exhausting process, both physically and emotionally, and it was draining, both literally (ha) and figuratively.  But, I never wavered from my determination to make it work.  I really didn't even consider the alternative at that point.  I was going to breastfeed my baby, dammit!

It took a good couple of weeks, but my milk finally came in.  As my supply increased, we decreased the amount of formula we gave her.  Eventually, I was finally able to produce enough milk for her, which enabled us to stop the formula and bottles altogether.  I cannot begin to convey to you how immensely proud I was, and what I great satisfaction I felt, to get to this point.  It meant the entire world to me.  I felt like I beat the odds, made something out of nothing, accomplished a huge goal.  Now I knew how Rudy felt. ;)  Continuing bottle feeding, or supplementing with formula, literally never entered my mind.  Once I could solely nurse her, that was it.  I would later come to regret this decision for a couple of reasons, but looking back I can't imagine I would have done anything differently, given my state of mind at the time.

Throughout the duration of our breastfeeding days, there were some good stretches- times when I actually didn't have to think about it, when my supply seemed to be good and she seemed to be getting enough, when it was just easy.  If I had to guess, I would say it was really good about one-third of the time.  The other two-thirds of the time was rough.  Rough is a nice way of saying really hard and stressful- times when I  constantly thought and worried about it- what I ate, because certain foods had a direct effect on Lucy; how much I ate and drank, in order to maintain my supply; how much I was actually produced and how much she actually drank.  During these times, I thought about these things all day, every day.  Which sounds excessive, but think about it.  When one of your main "jobs" is to feed your baby, and you are solely responsible for not only physically feeding her, but producing all of her food, it's a giant responsibility.  And given my supply issues from Day 1, this preoccupied my mind much of the time.

At the outset, my goal was to breastfeed for at least one year.  There was a point in the early months when my goal became six months, because it was so hard.  Then, all of a sudden, it was okay.  So my next goal was nine months.  When the nine month mark came and went, I shot for a year.  I would still be plugging away at it, if Lucy hadn't decided she'd had enough and decided to self-wean at around nine and a half months.

Weaning was a gradual process that occurred over a couple weeks.  First, she dropped her last (before bedtime) session.  I was stressed out about it at first, but it was pretty close to her dinner time, so figuring she was full, I let it slide.  She still slept fine, so after a few nights I didn't let it bother me.  Then she started to get increasingly distracted at other feedings.  Sometimes she would nurse for just a few minutes, other times she didn't want to stay still long enough to nurse at all.  That's when I started to get worried.  I decided to pump and then offer her the milk in a cup.  After a few days of this, it  became evident that she was really getting over the nursing thing altogether.  She never really seemed to nurse for comfort, as some babies do.  Now it became clear that she really couldn't care less about nursing at all.  So I began to wonder- why am I killing myself to maintain my milk supply, and pump, when it's obvious my supply is already dwindling, making this is an uphill battle?  (Especially when she was just not interested.)  I'd been there before.  But, unlike when she was a newborn, I wasn't willing to pump around the clock to maintain my supply this time around.  I felt comfortable giving her formula to drink, and she eats solid foods now, and she'll be able to drink cow's milk in a couple months.  Plus, she had ten long months of breast milk.  I felt that was more than sufficient from a nutritional standpoint.

Only then I encountered stress on a couple of different levels.  For one, she is still just a novice cup-drinker.  If you recall, she never drank from bottles, except in those first few weeks.  Therefore, ensuring that she would now be able to get the appropriate amount of formula would be a challenge.  My worries and concerns about her getting enough to drink have returned.

On a completely different level, I was just sad.  Sad that my baby wouldn't need me (like that) anymore.  I mean, it's just further evidence that my baby is obviously growing up.  I began to mourn the baby days and having that special bonding time with her.

It took several days for me to stop trying to nurse her at all, and trying to pump, and to admit that it really was over.

It really is over.

And now that it's over, I have to admit- doooon't really miss it.  Sure, I miss having that dedicated snuggle time with her, especially the first morning feeding.  And yes, I'm still sad about her growing up, but that would happen regardless of the breastfeeding thing.  On the other hand, I don't miss pumping.  I don't miss having to constantly think about my food intake all day long.  I don't miss worrying about my milk supply all day long.

I'm not going to sugar-coat it, people.  Breastfeeding was HARD.  At least, that was my experience.  Now, I don't want to give future moms a bad impression of breastfeeding, and I certainly wouldn't want to dissuade anyone.  Despite the ups and downs, it was an amazing experience, and one I would absolutely do over again.  It moved me to tears on a daily basis.  And, I know of moms who had no problems at all, and some who even over-produced milk, so supply was never an issue. 

There are strong opinions on the topic of breastfeeding, and to that I say- do not judge anyone, regardless of their choice.  It's different for everyone, because every woman is different, every baby is different, and every situation is different.  Just as I would have preferred to have given birth to Lucy in a different way, it was out of my hands.  So I accepted it, was thankful that modern medicine was able to step in to help Lucy be born, and moved on.  Similarly, I believe there are many benefits to breastfeeding, so I would absolutely recommend it to any woman who is interested.  However, many women cannot breastfeed for any number of reasons, or may simply decide it is not right for them, and they should not be judged negatively for their decision.  I truly believe that it's fine either way.

 Looking back, I am so thankful for the breastfeeding experience, regardless of the difficulties.  I am really, really proud of myself that I never gave up, either in those early weeks or in the months to follow, regardless of the difficulties.  I made it happen.  And I feel so good about that. Although it wasn't my choice to stop now, I had to pay attention to Lucy's cues.  She was ready to stop, so I had to accept it, realize it was time, and move on.  And as hard as those last couple of weeks were, I much prefer being the only one to suffer, as opposed if I were to have to take something away from her before she was ready.  I think it would have been much more difficult and traumatic for both of us, had I needed to instigate the weaning process, as opposed to her instigating it.  In this case, it was clearly just traumatic for me. ;) 

So as to not dwell on the sadness, I try to do what my mom would advise me to do and look at the positives. In that regard, I have to say that as much as I love and completely adore her, I certainly look forward to being able to spend more than four hours away from her soon- something I haven't done since she was born.  Let me repeat- I have not been away from home and/or my baby, for MORE THAN 4 HOURS IN OVER 10 MONTHS.  Think about that.  Yes, it's crazy!  The idea that someone else can now feed her is so liberating, I almost can't even imagine the possibilities.  Except, I kind of can. :)  I look forward to having some Shan time again.  I also look forward to Brian and I having some Brian and Shan time again.  And you better believe I look forward to drinking some good wine and a giant margarita!